Beware all ye who enter!
I used to have an old uncle with the superb name of William John Lancelot, whose jolly demeanour could rival Father Christmas. He did however, have one bugbear. Screaming children in Tesco that played havoc on his Hearing Aids.
Roll on twenty years and my Hearing Aids and I have strolled quietly through Morrisons and frolicked around Lidl. But then, last Wednesday, I entered the very same Tesco store that tortured my poor old uncle’s eardrums all those years before.
Not once, but twice, a scream blasted my Hearing Aids that was so shrill I clapped my hands to my head. Remember Michael J Fox in Teen Wolf when the Dog Whistle was hurting his ears? That was me. Frantically looking round for the Demon Child that produced such a high pitch noise. Because that scream was never human.
And now I know the truth. Devil Children lurk behind the Innocent Orange Juice and watch from under Aunt Bessie’s Yorkshire Puddings. They wait for the poor souls who enter the store with their Hearing Aids moulded to their ears, happy in their ability to hear again.
But I’m not afraid! I have the answer! Given to me all those years ago by William John Lancelot himself.
“Turn the blasted things off and you won’t hear a bloody thing!”